“You’ll make the rafters creak?”
“And the floorboards, too, as per the contract.”
“Yes, about that. I purchased the standard package, but…”
“Could you possibly make the walls bleed?”
“Wish I could, but that’s a boutique service.”
“I would compensate you handsomely, of course. Cash in hand.”
“No can do, ma’am. The union would have my head. Metaphorically.”
For shame, she thought bitterly, watching him float away. I know I’ve gotten too old to keep up with household chores, but when I was a young poltergeist, my walls oozed with blood. Hauntings just aren’t what they used to be.
Author’s Note: I wonder if these folks advertise on Craigslist. I didn’t check.
Coming here was stupid. The victory party was just a bunch of grownups giving speeches and getting drunk, and the only music, if you could call it that, came from some guys in the corner beating at drums.
And so much for getting in with the popular girls. Vaani’s dietary restrictions were weird enough, but now there was the community bath thing. They’d probably think she was unhygienic, or something.
“I can’t,” she explained. “We’re vegetarians.”
“More like freaks,” said one of the girls.
Vaani ran then, leaving the savages to bathe in the stupid blood of their stupid enemies.
Author’s Note: If I’d been invited to this party, I would have found a quiet boulder to hide behind while I read my vellum.
After popping into existence, the stranger knelt before the child.
“Do not be afraid, Jennie. I am your future self.”
“I’m thirty-four, you little—never mind. I only have a minute. Listen: the cure for Alzheimer’s, schizophrenia, and depression is—”
“Who am I going to marry?”
“What? You haven’t even hit puberty, why would you care?”
“Is it David? He’s cute.”
“Newsflash, kid, you won’t be liking boys much longer. Now memorize this and tell Mom right away: there’s a mineral spring in Utah—oh damn.”
Grownup Jennifer popped away.
“I bet it’s David,” said little Jennie.
Author’s Note: Someday a time traveler is going to appear to me and I’m going to fixate on the wrong thing, I just know it.